Ten Reasons I Hate Politics and One Reason I Don’t - Part 2

2.  I’ll Do Anything To Get Elected

I’ll even kiss your baby if that’s what it takes.

“No, thank you. I don’t want to take the chance that those politician parasites get transferred to my child. There’s been too much of the resulting disease going around as it is.”

I will admit, it must be hard being a presidential candidate. You have to travel everywhere, mingle with thousands of people you don’t know and pretend to be their friend or even a long lost family member, and not let anything anyone says to you get under your skin (or at least be able to wait until you get back to your hotel room to exfoliate). You have to remember tons of facts (or at least the ones that favor your position) about the economy, the climate, energy, agriculture, the culture, terrorism, world politics, world leaders, world champions, and world scumbags. And God forbid you should ever forget the name of a federal agency you want to defund. That’ll cost you the election in nothing flat.

But the biggest things that have to be remembered are the lies or misrepresentations you are perpetuating about your opponent. Mark Twain is known for saying, “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” I suppose he would also say, “The more you lie, the more you have to remember.” This being so, we know that most politicians have to remember a LOT. In fact, if I’m not mistaken, I believe that before you can become a professional politician, you have to pledge that you will lie at every opportunity. Well, at least at every opportunity that helps your campaign and diminishes the other guy’s.

Much of the misrepresentations the politicians use against one another involves statistics. But as Mark Twain was also known for saying, “There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.” I know where Twain is coming from. I did a lot of statistical analyses of data in my former day job, and I know that there are many ways of presenting statistical results. Look at the data one way and things seem bad. Look at them another way and things seem good. I’ll let you guess which way the politicians use these results when it comes to themselves versus their opponents.

A politician must always be quick to point out how the decisions of their opponent nearly collapsed Western civilization (which some actually believe is a good thing) and how all of his or her own decisions led to full employment, a budget surplus, the cure for cancer, and even the emergence of the Internet. The savvy politician must NEVER admit that anything his opponent did ever led to something good. But if it is obvious to everyone that it did lead to something good, then you MUST find a way to divert the credit back to someone in your own party.

Perhaps you are a person that likes all these shenanigans that politicians like to pull. I don’t. I like to give credit where credit is due and blame where blame is due. Unfortunately, I am finding more and more things to blame coming out of DC and less and less things to credit.

And Now For a Totally Different Election Process

During this election cycle there has been quite a bit of talk about Voter ID laws. Some say these laws are necessary to prevent voter fraud where some people vote more than once. In some cases, people who are dead have apparently channeled their candidate selections to living people who are charged with being proxies at the voting booth. Soon we will be hearing about people who are not yet born horning in on the election process. In fact, if a significant number of this demographic begins voting, we may find Roe v. Wade being overturned.

On the other side are those who believe that Voter ID laws disenfranchise citizens who do not have a valid ID. However as one commentator said, you can’t even check out a book at the public library without sufficient ID. Why would you want to allow voting without proper identification? Perhaps those library cards could be used at the polls as identification. In fact, some states are already doing this.

Given all the controversy over Voter ID, I decided that if we really don’t care how many times a person votes, there is a much better way to hold elections. I call it Reality TV Elections (RTE). Currently, there is a huge interest in talent shows on TV. Shows such as American Idol, America’s Got Talent, The X Factor, The Voice, and Dancing With The Stars are going strong. Some of these shows have franchises around the world, so there’s no disenfranchising going on there yet. Here is my idea. Do away with the current election process and replace it with a reality show. Just to get the mental cogs turning, here’s a few suggestions for the name of the show: Presidential Idol, America’s President’s Got Skills, The POTUS Factor, The Election, or Cavorting With The Candidates. I’m sure you, gentle reader, can come up with even better names.

Just think about it. This reality show concept will not only solve the problem of voters being disenfranchised and others not being allowed to vote more than once, but other problems as well.

Campaign finance reform is something that many people want to see. They don’t like the idea of big money controlling big elections. All those PACs and SuperPACs are seen as corrupting the election process. Well, no more with RTE. The candidates will no longer have to raise money and be beholding to big money interests. In fact, RTE will pay for itself. Advertising fees would pay for the entire process. Can you imagine replacing the McCain-Feingold law with McCain’s Fine Gold ads? Totally awesome.

Our two-party system of politics has been increasingly under attack since there are a significant number of people who no longer like the candidates who run as a Republican or a Democrat. Yet these people are skeptical of voting for a third party candidate for fear they are throwing their vote away and possibly allowing the worser of two evils to get elected. This is not an issue with RTE. It would allow anyone in the country who is Constitutionally qualified to be president to show up at the tryouts to be held in major cities throughout the US. The judges would consist of all former US presidents who are still alive. Channeling of dead presidents is not allowed as it is with voters. If there is not a well balanced array of ideologies amongst the living presidents, then Howard Stern and/or Penn Jillette could join them to compensate. And remember, there would no longer be any political parties except those held by the judges after hours.

In the early rounds of competition, the judges alone would decide who makes it through to the next round.  However, to avoid any hint of partisanship in this process, the early rounds would be devoid of any ideological content. The judges could base their decisions on such things as who has a presidential look and speaks like a president. After all, you don’t want a president who wears a nose ring and dangles his participles. Well, at least not in our present culture; maybe someday in the future. After eliminating candidates based on these two criteria alone, the field of remaining candidates should be at a very manageable level. In fact, the number may be small enough to go to the live shows. If not, then the number could definitely be reduced to an appropriate level by asking questions such as “What are the three branches of the federal government?”, “Who was the first president of the United States?”, and “What was the first bill that President James Garfield signed into law?”

Voting by the TV viewing audience would begin with the first live show. At this point ideologies could be expressed by the candidates. I suggest that each of the live shows be themed. For instance, one show could be devoted to writing and delivering a speech. Each candidate would be put in solitary confinement for the day with a pencil and paper. No speech writers would be allowed. Also, no computer with an Internet connection would be allowed lest the candidates be tempted to plagiarize a Ronald Reagan speech. During the live show that evening, they would deliver their speeches. After the show, two hours of voting would begin. Everyone would be allowed to vote as many times as she is able to get through on the phone and the Internet. Don’t even say it. I know what you are thinking. Isn’t this method of voting disenfranchising those without a phone or a computer with an Internet connection? Well, it would be except that I hear that President Obama is personally passing out free cell phones to those without one. I assume this program will continue under future presidents. In fact, with voting at stake, it would be their patriotic duty.

Additional show themes could include such things as handling a simulated Cuban missile crisis, making wise decisions (bonus points for having this ability during the sleep deprivation episode), handling terrorist threats and attacks, and revealing which famous actors you would choose to fly into space with nuclear weapons to break up a comet fast approaching Earth. I would personally want to see one week devoted to the candidates imitating Elvis Presley. I believe every patriotic American citizen needs to possess this skill. The president gets no special exemption. However, this is the closest I ever want to see the US President pretending to be a King.

After several weeks of intense competition and voting, the winner of the presidential reality TV show would be revealed. Tell us what prizes the winner gets, Don Pardo. Well, they include an all expense paid trip to Washington DC, a free four-year stay at the White House, free trips to points around the world aboard Air Force One, free food for the entire family, and an annual $400,000 salary plus $169,000 for various expenses. And that’s not all. The winner will continue to get nearly $200,000 per year for life as a pension. Not bad considering he will also be eligible to make $100,000 or more for each appearance he makes on the speaking circuit. The actual amount will vary depending on how well he performed on speech delivery night during the competition.

So what do you all think of my idea? If you like it, we can make this reality show a reality by banding together and demanding a Constitutional amendment that modifies the election process. I can’t wait. After all, since it is my idea, my royalties for the show will probably exceed by far the measly amount made by the President. His will be chump change by comparison.

How To Get Elected -- Promise Everything

In the Saturday, February 18, 2012 issue of our local newspaper, the TimesDaily, Bernie Delinski had a very humorous column where he gives politicians campaign advice on how to blame their opponents. (The column is not yet on the newspaper's Web site, but it might be soon.) Mr. Delinski has a great wit about him and I enjoy reading his regular columns.

While reading this particular column, I was reminded of a part of my humorous philosophy book, Beginnings to Endings. Below I present the excerpt that I thought of. It basically provides politicians with tips on how to out-promise their opponents. The following comes from the beginning of Chapter 7 entitled "Law".

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Okay, now it is time to get down to the serious business of creating laws. Well, at least I consider it serious business. Unfortunately, many of our leaders do not. They consider laws to be something akin to a game like World Domination. They will promise the passing or changing of any law, whether Constitutional or not, if it will help them get elected and gain power. Consider this exchange from a recent Presidential election debate.

Candidate #1:      If you elect me as your President, I promise to only sign laws that are in keeping with the Constitution, that are fair and just for all citizens, and that protect their properties and rights rather than violate them.

Candidate #2:      Candidate #1 cannot be taken seriously. He is too idealistic. He’s living in the past and interpreting the Constitution too strictly. The American People want a President that understands that the Constitution was intended to be a flexible document. One that can be re-interpreted from time to time to meet the changing needs of our culture.

Candidate #3:      Candidate #2 is correct. We cannot be held back by our Constitution. We must move into the 21^st century. If you elect me, I promise to give money to the poor, provide free health care for all, and provide a free education to everyone up to and including a Ph.D. And for those people who cannot pass the required courses, I’ll see to it that they at least get a diploma. I just received an E-mail about how to obtain these easily via the Internet.

Candidate #4:      Candidate #3 is on the right track, but he wants to limit American Citizens too much. What good is an education without the guarantee of a job? I promise a job to everyone whether they want it or not. Under my administration, businesses will be required to hire everyone whether they are productive or not. FULL EMPLOYMENT is my mantra.

Candidate #5:      Come on everyone, get with the program. An education, job, and health care doesn’t guarantee happiness. To be happy you got to have STUFF! And if your job doesn’t pay enough to buy STUFF, how are you going to get it? I promise every citizen a home and a car of their choice. And what is happiness without a complete home entertainment center, a kitchen with all the latest appliances, a king size bed, and a Jacuzzi? If the citizens want these things, they must vote for me. Don Pardo, what else do we have for our contestants – uh, citizens?

Don Pardo:          Well, Candidate #5, we have two all paid vacations each year to any resort in the world. And how about family Jet Skis, and …

Candidate #6:      Ah, shut up Don! Whatever you have isn’t enough. I’m offering every citizen anything they want. ANYTHING, I say. Just ask for it and I’ll get it for you, even if I personally have to drive down to Walmart to get it. And unlike the cold-hearted likes of Candidate #4, I won’t require you to work for anything unless you just want to.

Citizen #1:            Gee, does that mean you will provide me with eight six-packs of beer and five packs of cigarettes every day, as many tattoos as I want, a new pickup truck with a shotgun rack and an 8-track tape player, and every Willie Nelson tape that has been or will be released? And I never have to work again?

Candidate #6:      That’s right, ma’am. Anything you want.

Citizen #1:            You got my vote!

Citizen #2:            Wait just a minute. How are you going to pay for all that stuff, Candidate #6?

Candidate #6:      Not to worry. We will increase our Federal income tax rate to 256.7% on all income with no deductions and that should take care of it.

Citizen #2:            Hey, you can’t make the tax rate higher than 100%. And besides, if no one has to work, what income will you be taxing?

Candidate #6:      First, where exactly does the Constitution limit the taxation rate to 100%? Nowhere, that’s where! Ha, ha! Got you on that one! Second, should a significant number of people decide not to work – and I personally do not think this will happen – I am already working on a contingency plan to borrow from every nation on the face of the Earth up to 145.7% of their GDP’s. So, there! Are you satisfied now smart-aleck? (Candidate #6 then stuck his tongue out, placed his thumbs in his ears, and flapped his fingers wildly alongside his head.)

So as you can see, based on the historical record, you have to beware of politicians’ guarantees. They will promise you the Moon, but what they deliver has nothing to do with NASA. Rather, it involves them turning their backs to you and dropping their pants. And let me tell you, Ace Ventura looks like an amateur when compared to politicians speaking out of their butts.

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Beginnings to Endings is available in Kindle and paperback formats at Amazon.com.